"Right, that's the station, MacDonald's, and Untidy Humphrey's."
Dippy said breathlessly. "Where shall we do it next?"
"The Quorn Exchange!!" Dragor shouted excitedly.
"You think they'll let us?"
"Well, we didn't get thrown out of MacDonald's or the pub."
"That's only 'cause we were bouncing off the walls so fast that they
couldn't keep up."
"What's the matter?" Dragor asked with a gleeful look in his eye.
"You got no stamina or something?"
"Oo! You wee devil!" Dippy muttered, then ran off through the
town. Dragor chuckled, then ran after her.
The management of the Quorn Exchange took as kindly to professional
level squash being played on their premises as that of MacDonald's and
Untidy Humphrey's. Dippy had been right, they had been starting to get
tired while in the pub, and after ten minutes two rather large, impossibly
nimble security guards ejected them from the building.
"That was fun!" Dragor exclaimed.
Dippy crept up behind his back and kissed him, then proceeded to
cover the back of his neck with embarassingly conspicuous lovebites. "Let's
go and find that hotel," she whispered to him, "then we can get rid of these
bags and go back and join the others."
Dragor pulled the hotel information out of one of his numerous coat
pockets and read the blurb out loud. "'Siteview Hotel (Prop. H. Borg &
Sons). Luxury apartments over-looking the construction sites of Leeds.
Certified as being bed-bug free in 1984, 1986, 1987, and 1991. Meals not
included.' Sounds good to me. What do you think?"
"Does it have a roof?" Dippy asked, trying to convince herself she
was making a joke.
"Erm, it says here 'Rooms with ceilings are available at extra cost.'"
"Sounds like we'd be better off shagging in the street. That way
when we get arrested we'll have someplace decent to stay."
"I got told this was the best place"
"Who by?"
"A strange man I met in the station. He looked like he was made of
dark concrete and wore a strange blue outfit."
"And you believed him?"
"He was fairly persuasive. Well, actually, I guess all he said was
'THIS WILL BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE LIKES OF YOU, MORTAL.'"
"Let's find somewhere else shall we? There's a phone box, let's see
if there's a Yellow Pages in there."
"Oo Yes!" squeaked Dragor. "Let your fingers do the walking."
Dippy hit him.
Ten minutes later, they checked into the Leeds Star Hotel, not
entirely sure how they had ended up there, or how they were going to foot
the 150 quid a night bill.
"I think he realised we're not married." Dippy muttered.
"How would he know. Don't we look like a Mr and Mrs Smith?"
"You look a little... erm... short for a Smith."
Dragor hurumphed then went back to unpacking his things. He'd left
behind his flask of weak lemon squash, as he'd decided to live dangerously
this weekend, and had brought a small hipflask of pineapple and grapefruit.
Dippy, it seemed, had been significantly more adventurous. As she pulled
the third crate of beer from her backpack Dragor found it impossible not to
ask her a question.
"You ever tried Ronson's Wood Seal?"
"Cor!" replied Dippy. "Have you got some?"
"Erm, isn't it time we met up with the others?"
"I guess so," said Dippy, hastily grabbing him and tying him to the
bed, "There's just a couple of other things to sort out first."
Two and a half hours later, the couple rejoined the rest of their
friends in Untidy Humphrey's. Most of the crowd were already roaring drunk,
leaving Dragor in particular feeling very left out and insecure. He started
to grip his hip flask for reassurance, his other hand squeezed Dippy's
tightly. "Dippy?" he asked, the worry in his voice plain.
"Yes love?"
"Do I have to drink? Alcohol I mean?"
"It is expected at these things, you know that."
"And they'll expect me to get drunk too?"
"Um, yes. Why?"
"I can't get drunk."
"Why not? You throw up or grow extra heads or something?"
"No," said Dragor, "It just doesn't happen. I seem to be incapable
of getting pissed."
"Come on," she said, giving his hand a gentle squeeze, "we'll think
of something." So saying, she led him to the bar and ordered some drinks.
About an hour later Dragor had worked his way round the bar having a
shot of everything. The landlord was now looking decidely worried, and had
called the hospital to get an ambulance on standby and make sure the stomach
pump was working.
"That's 32 shots now." Dippy said, finishing off her fourth pint.
"You feeling drunk yet?"
"Nope, feel fine." Dragor said. "That last one was a bit sweet
though, made me feel a bit queasy."
"You've had 32 measures of spirits, and all you feel is 'a bit
queasy'?"
"Well you try it, it's sickly."
Dippy looked at the thick green residue left in the glass, then
sniffed it. "It's ok, I'll take your word for it," she replied once she had
picked herself back up off the floor.
"Can I have everything again? A double of each this time?"
"Look, we had to have a whip round once you got to twenty shots,
you've drunk most of everyone's money."
"I told you I couldn't get drunk."
"And I told you we'd think of something. Someone must have an
idea. Anyone got any ideas?" she said, turning to face the others.
Everyone shook their heads.
"We could ask my tree," Dragor chirped.
Dippy, who had been 'introduced' to the bonsai tree in the hotel
room, got the idea that this was unlikely to be helpful, but she was fast
running out of ideas. "Go on then," she sighed.
Dragor was ready for the tree's first comment and grabbed hold of
it's leaves almost before it had even finished saying "BOOM!"
"m mmmm-mmmm mmmm!" the tree carried on.
"You done?" Dragor asked, releasing its leaves.
"Dragor must not liking me talking about farts. It is true."
"Yes yes yes!" Dragor squeaked, exasperated already. "Listen, I'm
trying to get drunk. I've had 32 shots, and they've had no effect. Except
for making me a bit queasy."
"Hahaha that's bugger!"
"Thought you might say that. Any ideas?"
"You does needing lots of alcohol? Petrol must be very high alcohol
content. It is cheapest than spirits."
"Petrol?" Dippy said incredulously.
"No stranger than drinking weatherproof varnish." Dragor muttered to
himself. "Come on let's give it a try." So saying, he tucked the tree
under his arm and dragged Dippy out of the pub.
"Which do you reckon?" Dragor asked. "4 Star, Unleaded, or Super
Unleaded."
"What about Diesel?" Dippy said.
"You must not liking Diesel, it's very strange flavour." the tree
murmured. "Diesel is nasty taste shite!"
"OK OK," Dragor said impatiently, "we'll stick with the first 3."
"I wouldn't recommend 4 Star," Dippy advised, "Just 'cause you're
unable to get drunk doesn't mean you can't get lead poisoning."
"Let's try unleaded first then."
Dippy looked at the pump. "It's one of those clever new pumps.
Wants to know if we're going to pay at the kiosk, or use a card."
"CARD!" shouted the bonsai. "It's American Express, that's gold
card."
"We haven't got a gold card." Dragor replied.
The bonsai tree did its grinning trick again. "I must be having
gold card." It rustled its leaves and an American Express Gold Card dropped
out into Dragor's hand.
"COOL!" Dragor and Dippy chorused. Dragor selected card payment and
inserted the card. After a few seconds the card popped out again, and the
pump reset itself. Excitedly, Dragor picked up the pump nozzle and put it
in his mouth, then started to squeeze the handle.
When the readout had reached two litres, Dippy stopped him. "Any
effect? You feel lightheaded or anything?"
"Nope. Doesn't taste bad though."
"Super Unleaded?"
"Erm, I need the toilet first." Dragor ran off into some nearby
bushes for a few moments then returned. "Super Unleaded it is then."
The super unleaded had a similar lack of effect. But, as Dragor put
it, "It tasted really cool!"
"We could try military grade rocket fuel." Dippy piped up.
"Dippy, dearest, we're in the middle of Leeds."
"It was worth a mention. Let's just wander round 'till we think of
something else."
As they left the petrol station Dippy stopped about ten feet away
from the bush where Dragor had relieved himself minutes before. "Hang on a
sec, I want to try something." She pulled a matchbox out of her pocket,
lit a match, and threw it at the bush.
The bush exploded.
"Any ideas where we could get some pure alcohol?" Dragor sighed.
"We could try that but I doubt it will work. I just can't get drunk."
"I bet you can. We just need to find something you can get
intoxicated on."
"Well, alcohol doesn't seem to work. I did like the petrol though."
"I gathered."
They were sitting on a bench on a hill looking out over part of the
city. The view was dominated by the flames from a burning petrol station in
the distance, and the flashing blue lights of the fire engines parked around
it. Dippy found the scene quite romantic, and snuggled in closer to Dragor.
"All that alcohol has made me thirsty" Dragor commented as
dehydration started to set in. "I think I'll have some squash." He
unclipped his hipflask from his belt and opened it.
"What flavour?" Dippy asked, also feeling the need for something
more normal to drink.
"Pineapple and Grapefruit. I've never tried it before but it
sounded quite nice." He opened the bottle and took a long swig, then
offered it to Dippy.
"Thanks." Dippy found herself finishing the flask. "Let's go back
to the Hotel," she said with a glint in her eye.
"Okay." Dragor said, his voice wavering slightly. He stood up,
wobbled, then fell over.
"Are you alright?" Dippy asked, crouching down beside him with a
worried look on her face.
Dragor pointed at the air just to the left of her face. "I feel
fine. I've jusht gone a little wobble-obble-obbley. I think I might be a
tinshey bit drunk."
"Considering how much you drank this evening, I'm not surprised.
Although I would've thought it might've taken effect a little quicker."
"Nonononononononono!" Dragor replied, waggling his finger at a tree
about ten metres behind her "I think it wash that Squash. Sh'good shtuff."
"Squash? Nobody gets pissed on squash. Then again, nobody drinks 32
shorts and 6 litres of petrol without showing any ill effects. Dragor
honey, you've managed to get drunk!"
"Cool!" Dragor slurred, his eyes focused on the opposite side of the
universe. "I'll have to..." He passed out.
Dippy sighed, and stood watching him adoringly for a while before
slinging him over her shoulder and carrying him back to the Hotel.