This is a Hallowe'en story. I realise most of you will have got this already, by the change of banner and the change of page colours. However, I thought I'd stress it for the benefit of Lynx users like Splange. Hehe.
The bonsai tree trembled. It had never experienced premonitions before, but now found itself overcome with a feeling of terrible dread. It wasn't exactly sure what it was dreading, other than that it had something to do with midnight. It had little grasp of dates - being vegetable life its idea of years centred more around seasons and concepts along the lines of "time to grow", "time for all my leaves to drop off - oh no, hang on I'm an evergreen", "time to just sit there", and such like. For this reason, the tree wasn't aware that it was currently experiencing the last few minutes of October 30th.
"11:58," said the clock.
There were snores coming from the bed. The tree had often tried to work out whether it was Sonson or Fizban who did the snoring. It had sparked off a few amusing domestic arguments on several mornings by making random accusations and then watching the two of them deny or second them. However, such mirth was far from its mind at present.
"11:59."
The tree was by now very very scared. It knew midnight was iminent, and although it had no idea what was going to happen then, it knew it didn't want it to. Then, slowly, it started to feel it. Magic! Something magical was about to happen, and the tree was pretty sure that it was the target. The last thing that crossed its mind before midnight was a rather large pair of breasts.
"00:00," the clock said, finally.
For a moment the tree felt quite silly. Nothing appeared to have happened. Then it started to realise that something was not quite right. The world around it was the same, yet it seemed to be sensing it by a slightly different method. It had never quite understood its own biology but knew that its 'sight' of the world around it had something to do with its leaves, not eyes. And yet the eyes it had weren't actually real eyes, they were holes cut in its surface made to look like eyes. It had a nose and mouth of similar design. And, for the first time in it's existence, rather than bark, it had skin. Slowly, with horror, the bonsai tree realised it had turned into a Hallowe'en pumpkin.
Fizban woke up, took one look at the pumpkin that sat where the tree should be, and screamed.
"Uuurrggguuurrgguuurggg" Sonson said in response.
Fizban shook her awake. "Look! Someone's stolen the bonsai tree, and left a pumpkin in its place."
"Whaaaa???" Sonson asked, still not fully conscious.
"The tree has gone! There's a pumpkin there instead."
"I must turning into a pumpkin," squeaked the pumpkin. "I was a plant in pot."
"Huh?" Sonson said, getting more confused as she became more awake.
"Okay, the bonsai tree has turned into a pumpkin!" Fizban exclaimed, pointing.
"Oh that," Sonson said as her brain finished booting up. "That's probably just Taly getting her own back on the tree, you know how much it annoys her when he goes on about her tits all the time."
"Big boobies does turning me into a pumpkin!" the pumpkin said shrilly.
"Oh right," Fizban said, sighing with relief. "For a moment I thought there was a problem."
"I must thinking this is a fucking problem", the pumpkin screamed angrily, "I have turning into a pumpkin!"
"Suits you, tree" Sonson commented. "Besides, it'll only be for the day. You can manage 24 hours as a pumpkin can't you? Anyway, there's less than 16 left now, so you're a third of the way through the day already."
"I cannot liking this," the pumpkin insisted.
"Well," Sonson said, matter-of-factly, "If you can get through the next year without saying 'She does having big boobies' everytime Taly is mentioned, maybe she won't turn you into a pumpkin next year."
The pumpkin grunted.
"You could even talk nicely to her tonight when we meet her down the pub, she might turn you back sooner."
"We're meeting Taly down the pub?" Fizban asked.
"Yes. Oh come on, don't tell me you don't remember?"
"Consider yourself not told."
"We're meeting her in The Crusty Old Slapper, you know, that new pub in town. As its Hallowe'en its the one day of the year she's allowed to muck around with magic in public. We invited her over so she could let her hair down."
"She must be Rapunzel!" the pumpkin squeaked.
"You're telling me that we invited a witch to visit on the one night that she's allowed to practice magic in public?" Fizban asked, his face a ghostly white colour.
"Yes," Sonson replied. "I don't see how that's going to be a problem."
Fizban groaned.
Towards the end of the afternoon Fizban and Sonson started making preparations for going out. Well, Sonson started making preparations. Fizban was still fretting over what sort of costume to wear. "A Dracula type outfit would be far too predictable," he complained, "and a sheet-over-the-head type ghost seems a bit too, well, crap."
"Don't worry dear," Sonson reassured him, "As long as it's nothing that spoils my outfit, I'm sure it will be OK."
"And what's your outfit?" Fizban asked.
"That would be telling," Sonson said cheekily. "Just wait and see."
"Is Batman Hallowe'en-ish enough?"
"No. Particularly not the armoured one."
"Spoilsport," Fizban pouted, "How about The Spectre?"
Sonson sighed. "Can't you lose the comics fixation?"
Fizban mumbled something.
"Anyway, I can't talk for the next ten minutes," Sonson said. "I'm going to do a face-pack."
Fizban thought it best not to reply to that comment.
Fizban sat in front of the mirror applying make-up. "That's it!" he said once he'd finished. He tried a small practice cackle. "I am F'nang! The Demon of Crap Haircuts!"
Sonson wandered in wearing her outfit and looked at him. He was wearing a black cloak, under which he had the most garish items of his wardrobe he could find, including a Global Hypercolor t-shirt. He had painted his face red and green, the colours clashing in awkward blotches, and his hair was the untidiest it had been since he was six years old, fixed in place with bad smelling hairspray. "A made-up demon of course," Fizban added hurriedly.
Sonson giggled. "That's brilliant! Do you like mine?" she said, doing a brief twirl. Fizban admired her short skirt and tight sun-top. The black leather jacket over the top only served to accentuate the effect it had on him.
"Well," he said, "You look gorgeous, but it doesn't seem all that Hallowe'en-ish. Who are you meant to be?"
Sonson brought her hands from behind her back and showed him what she was holding. It was a short piece of wood that had been sharpened to a point at one end. "I'm Buffy. Duh!"
Fizban grinned. "Nice. Might be a bit cold though, although, I suppose that just makes it look better, doesn't it?"
Sonson reached forward to slap him but he ducked away.
There was a sudden puff of smoke. "Only me," Splange, the moose-antlered genie said in a shrill voice as he appeared amidst the smoke. "Taly sent me to make sure the arrangements haven't changed."
"The Crusty Old Slapper, 7pm." Fizban said.
"That's no way to talk about her," Splange said indignantly.
"Gah," Fizban responded. "That's the name of the pub we're meeting in, silly."
"I know," Splange grinned, "but I never was one to miss the opportunity for a cheap gag."
Fizban rolled his eyes.
"Where's that tree of yours?" the genie asked.
Fizban pointed at the pumpkin in the corner.
"It's in there?" Splange exclaimed, "That must be a bit of a squash!"
"Doesn't Taly tell you anything? It is the pumpkin. She turned it into one."
This time it was Splange who rolled his eyes. "What did I just say to you about cheap gags?"
Fizban grunted, hoping that Splange wouldn't take that as acknowledgement of his humour.
"Interesting outfit, incidentally," the genie commented.
Fizban threw his arms in the air and tried out his cackle again. "I am F'nang! The Demon of Crap Haircuts."
"That's nice." Splange flexed his antlers slightly. "We'll see you in an hour then, up the Crusty Old Slapper."
The genie vanished in a large cloud of smoke. Fizban spluttered, too close to avoid inhaling the smoke. "I wish he wouldn't do that," he complained.
"Fizban doesn't like coughing," the pumpkin squeaked. "Fizban must trying to be a bloody pumpkin, he won't liking that even more!"
"You've only got six hours left," Sonson reassured the pumpkin, "In the meantime can't you talk about something else other than how much you don't like being a pumpkin."
"You can trying it too," the pumpkin retorted. "See what you does talking about."
Sonson gritted her teeth and rolled her eyes. "Fizban, are we going to take this whingeing shrub with us?"
"I suppose we'd better. It'll be worth it just to see it try to persuade Taly into changing it back early." Fizban grinned evilly. "The real decision is whether or not we pop a candle inside it to make it a lantern."
The pumpkin shrieked.
"I was kidding!" Fizban exclaimed. "I will have to rig up a handle so we can carry you though."
"You must being careful with me, I was a plant in pot."
"So you keep telling us." Fizban said, exasperated. "Now belt up or we'll leave you here."
The pumpkin said nothing in reply, but hoped it somehow conveyed to Fizban and Sonson that it was fuming.
Beren flexed his forelegs. This was quite difficult, given the delicate assembly of matchsticks and black felt that he had attached to them. However, it did go someway towards helping him to balance on his hindlegs as he did so.
"Is this some idea of a joke?" Luthien asked him.
"It's my Hallowe'en outfit." he said, as if that explained everything.
"A Bat. Very nice. Where's your mask?"
"Mask?"
"Your mask with a stupid squidgy nose on it. And hilariously big ears," Luthien said drily.
"I don't see you wearing an outfit."
"Oh, hang on." Luthien scuttled down the mousehole, so far back that Beren could not see what she was doing. "Here," she said as she ran back.
"It's all purple. And you are wearing a silly mask."
"I'm Catwoman."
Beren squeaked in fright and backed away. "That's sick."
"It's ironic. Particularly with you as a bat."
"It's not bloody funny in the slightest, that's what it is."
"Men. No sense of humour. At least I didn't just dress tarty and pick up a wooden stake."
"Don't be nasty about lead characters, its not fair."
"Hmph."
F'nang, the Demon of Crap Haircuts cackled to himself as he adjusted his cloak in the mirror. He admired his blotchy scaled skin, which he had spent an hour polishing. He was particularly impressed with himself for the gaudy clothes he had picked to wear. He turned to look at the map laid out on a table, then shut his eyes, waved his hand around, and dropped a grubby fingertip onto a random spot on the map. He opened his eyes and looked at the spot he had picked.
"Leamington." He cackled again. "Should be fun."
He turned, leered at himself in the mirror, then vanished in a puff of dandruff.
Fizban and Sonson wandered up to the Crusty Old Slapper, carrying the pumpkin in a string bag that almost looked like it was made for the purpose. Splange and Taly were waiting for them outside. Splange had disguised his appearance by wearing a long black donkey jacket and a cap that made it look as if he was wearing fake antlers. The only unusual thing about him was the lack of any legs sticking out of the bottom of the coat, but no one seemed to be noticing that. Taly's outfit seemed quite ordinary, she was wearing jeans, a denim jacket and a t-shirt.
"I thought you'd be all dressed up," Fizban said to her as he walked up.
"I am," she protested. "You all dress up as witches or demons or vampires on Hallowe'en. We dress up like you."
"Really?"
"No," Taly shrugged, and pulled the wooden stake out of her jacket pocket. "I'm Buffy."
"You can't be, I'm Buffy." Sonson interrupted. "Hi, by the way," she added quickly.
Taly and Sonson looked at each other. "I feel so embarassed," they said to each other.
"Okay, so you both dressed as Buffy," Fizban said. "I bet there are enough guys in Dracula outfits in there to go around."
"Don't be silly," Taly retorted. "Who ever heard of there being two slayers, it's a silly idea."
"True," Fizban agreed.
"Can we go in?" Sonson asked, shivering. "It's cold out here."
Fizban glanced at her and Taly. "So it is," he replied, and walked into the pub. Splange snickered to himself as he followed them in.
"I don't believe it!" Sonson and Taly said together as they got inside. It seemed that every female inside the pub was dressed in tight clothing, and had small wooden weapons with them.
"The Buffy idea seems popular this year," Fizban said, grinning.
"What do you expect?" Splange asked. "It is on three times a week."
"So is Coronation Street!" Sonson snapped.
"I hadn't realised there was a Hallowe'en angle on Corrie," Fizban said slyly.
"Hang on," Splange said. "That girl seems to be wearing a different outfit. The one with the dark hair." He pointed.
"She's just dressed as Faith," Fizban replied.
"Oh yeah," Splange admitted. "My mistake." He turned to Sonson and Taly. "Well ladies, drinks?"
They made their way to the bar. As they pushed through the crowds, several people complemented Fizban on his original outfit. Splange was quite pleased with his own outfit after someone took the time out to tell him that he "looked a right pillock." He was less pleased at not being able to tread on the guy's foot as he passed.
F'nang sprang out of a dimension rift and into Leamington, narrowly avoiding falling into the River Leam as he stepped rather carelessly onto the very edge of its bank. He cackled and threw his arms into the air. Obligingly, lightning flashed across the sky. The demon made his way along the river bank, until he came to a bridge. He climbed up the stonework and stepped onto the road the bridge carried. He saw many people walking around in costume.
"Sexy outfit," a passing girl said sarcastically to him.
F'nang snarled as she walked away, mumbled a few words under his breath and then pointed at her. Her hair proceded to knot itself into a messy tangle. "Wash'n'go that, bitch," he muttered.
A building caught his attention. There seemed to be a large number of people inside, and by the sound of it many of them were having fun. He headed towards it, chuckling to himself. A sign hung outside the building, with an amusing picture and the words underneath "The Crusty Old Slapper."
"Fiz," Taly said, sitting down as she returned with another round of drinks. "I thought I just saw you up by the bar?"
"Nope," he replied. "Been here all night. Apart from one or two trips to the little boy's room, of course. What happened to your hair? It's all over the place."
Taly glanced at the window, hoping to be able to see her reflection. "Shit," she said, working to untangle it. "How did that happen?"
"Hahaha," squeaked the pumpkin. "Taly does having a bad hair day."
"Is that meant to make me want to turn you back?" she asked, getting increasingly frustrated with her hair. "Oh, for fuck's sake," she gave in, and waved one hand over her head. Her hair neatened itself straight away. "Sometimes I love being a witch. Saves a fortune on cosmetics and such."
"A fortune which you can spend instead on spell components to achieve the same effect," Splange commented.
"Beats spending it on brass polish."
"My lamp's silver," Splange pouted.
"Whatever. Have you seen that guy wandering around in a silly green outfit?"
"The guy calling himself Mint-Man, a superhero for the new millenium?" Fizban asked.
"Yeah, got a big polo mint on his chest too."
"Shows some imagination. Everyone apart from me and him have copied their outfits from some story or other. He's made up Mint-Man, and I've made up-" Fizban was interrupted by a new voice shouting from the bar.
"I am F'nang! The Demon of Crap Haircuts!" the voice shouted. "Time for a lock-in!"
There were a number of loud bangs as the doors into the pub slammed shut.
"Excuse me," Fizban said, standing up on his chair so he could see. "I'm F'nang, the Demon of Crap Haircuts." He was somewhat shocked to see another figure by the bar in an identical outfit to his. "Oh shit."
"You are a silly little man," the other figure said. "Not only do you choose to mock a demon on such a night as tonight, but you do it to his own face."
"Get down Fiz," Sonson muttered, pulling at his leg. Fizban stumbled and fell off the chair as the demon shot a bolt of light in his direction. It struck the window behind him, which obligingly shattered.
"We're in a bit of trouble," Taly said. "It must've been him who messed my hair up. Look at all the people around him at the bar."
"How much trouble can a demon who messes hair up cause?" Sonson asked.
"Not much," Taly said, "but enough."
"I could just send him back," Splange said. "It is within my power."
"That's a bit boring though," Taly said. "Don't you think?"
"You just want to make the most of being able to do magic in public, don't you?"
"Do you blame me? Anyone got any polo mints?"
"Why?" Sonson asked as she started rumaging through her pockets.
"I've got an idea for some fun."
"Here," Sonson said, handing a half eaten packet to Taly. The witch waved her hand over the mints then got up on her chair. "What are you doing?" Sonson asked her.
There was a loud commotion from the bar as the demon got tired of messing people's hair up and decided to start throwing them instead.
"Taking us into the next millenium," Taly said as she searched the crowd. "Oi! Mint-Man!" she shouted out as she spotted him. "Eat one of these!" She threw the packet of mints over to him, then ducked as a rugby player dressed as Dracula was hurled at her by F'nang. The broad-shouldered vampire sailed over their heads, through the hole in the window, and landed on the king sized cushion that Splange conjured onto the pavement at the last minute.
"Take that, foul shade!" a deep voice boomed from near the bar. "Feel the might of Mint-Man!" There was a sound like a very loud slap, and the demon was sent flying through an unbroken window, and landed on the far side of the road outside. Mint-Man leapt through the window after him.
"I think that's sorted," Taly said, and picked up her drink again.
"What about me," squeaked the pumpkin.
Taly looked at her watch thoughtfully. "Well, with all of two hours to go until midnight, I don't see the point in turning you back yet."
The pumpkin squealed shrilly. There was a loud crash outside as F'nang hurled Mint-Man into a group of dustbins.
"However," Taly continued, "since I'm in a good mood after tonight's mucking around, I'll give in this time. Just lose the 'big boobies' fixation."
"I don't talking about your boobies any more," the pumpkin said solemnly.
"Good," Taly said, and snapped her fingers. The pumpkin turned into a familiar looking bonsai tree.
"Yippee!" the tree said, shaking its branches excitedly. "Thank you, Taly."
"That's ok," Taly replied. She leaned forward and kissed one of the trees branches. "Just never ever go on about my tits again."
"Can we relax and enjoy our evening out now?" Sonson asked.
"Anything is possible," Taly stated.
"Quite a nice evening," Fizban said, as he walked back across Leamington with Sonson. They had said goodbye to Taly and Splange outside the pub, deciding that it was a nice night for a moonlit walk home.
"Apart from the obvious problem, of course," Sonson added.
"What, you mean the bonsai tree going on about being changed back all night?"
"I was referring to your unfortunate choice of demon to dream up, actually."
"Oh that," Fizban replied. "I thought Taly handled that rather well. We did convince the landlord not to ban us."
"Well, that was only a matter of fairness. He couldn't ban us for her using magic when he'd only decided afterwards that it was against pub rules. And the broken windows were nothing to do with us."
"Anyway," he said putting his arm round her, "I'm sure it'll be ok as long as I don't go in there in this outfit again."
"We might decide to not go in there for a few weeks. I think that would be for the best."
"Perhaps," Fizban said, shortly before a large shape fell out of the sky, striking both of them and knocking them through a wooden fence. They uttered various curses as they tumbled through the bushes on the other side of the face. It became apparent that the object that had hit them was another figure.
"Ah, the pretender," F'nang spat as he untangled himself from Fizban and Sonson.
Mint-Man dropped out of the sky beside the three of them, ready to swing another punch.
"No!" F'nang and Fizban said at once, "He's the one you want to hit." They pointed at each other.
Sonson picked herself up, shaking her head to try and clear it. She still felt a little stunned. "I'm not sure which one is which."
Fizban's heart sank.
"Surely there is some question you could ask them that would identify your partner?" Mint-Man boomed heroically.
"Erm," Sonson muttered, struggling to recover from being stunned. As she took in the image of Mint-Man's costume and long green cloak. "Yes! Of course! Comics!"
"What?" Mint-Man said incredulously.
Sonson turned to the two badly dressed figures. "In which comic did Batman appear for the first time?"
"Pah!" said one of the figures. "That's easy. Detective Comics #27"
"Is that right?" Mint-Man whispered to Sonson.
"I've absolutely no idea," she muttered.
"Then why did you ask?"
"A hunch."
"Which Batman?" the other figure asked.
"That's Fizban," Sonson said firmly, pointing at the second figure. "Wallop the other one."
Mint-Man leapt forward, pulling his arm back ready to punch.
F'nang snarled, then vanished. White flakes of dandruff fluttered down where he had been standing.
"Well, I think that finishes it." Fizban said, dusting himself off.
"He might come back next year," Sonson commented.
"I can punch him again next year," Mint-Man postured.
"Well quite," Fizban muttered.
"Thanks Mint-Man," Sonson said. "Now could you push off, we were having a nice romantic walk home until you threw a demon at us."
"Erm," Mint-Man said, looking somewhat deflated.
"You could go on patrol, keep the streets of Leamington free of crime and all that," Fizban suggested.
Mint-Man flexed his muscles. "That's a good idea," he boomed in his heroic voice. "Farewell friends," he said as he launched himself into the air.
"You okay?" Fizban and Sonson said to each other. They both nodded, then hugged.
"Let's go home," Fizban said.
"Bit of a shame really," Sonson commented.
"Why's that?"
"I never got to find out if my stake would work on that demon."
Fizban smiled and put his arm round her, and they headed home.
Please do not make copies of these stories. If you want to show them to other people (and I hope you will), give them the URL. Thanks.
The bonsai picture usually used in the story banner, "David's Pine", is courtesy of the Online Bonsai Icon Collection.
